/end rant

The other day I tweeted a saying from one of my favorite YouTubers. I’m positive she didn’t come up with it, but it’s sort of become her mantra and therefore I associate the saying with her.

Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.

Not to be a Debby Downer or anything, but things have been looking grim lately. I’m falling, no, digging myself deeper and deeper into this slump. Depression comes to mind for my current state, but it’s not as if I’m experiencing some extreme emotional sadness. I’m not depressed. Calm down. I just don’t feel myself. The creativity has been drained out of me. I used to constantly clean up my room. It would bother me if I left things out of place for more than a day. I currently have a pile of crap on my couch that’s been there so long it’s practically moved in. I haven’t dusted my dresser in weeks. I used to do this weekly (Call me OCD. Wouldn’t be the first time). But it stems further than that. Where am I going with this? Oh yeah, the quote.

I am negative. Living negatively. Thinking negatively. Being negative. I can feel myself blow up with anger over the smallest things. Sidenote: I used to have an extremely bad temper. I’ve since reformed my ways. And it doesn’t help that when I get overwhelmed I shut down. Literally. My cooping mechanism is to retreat and think to myself. My constant internal monologue races through a million thoughts a second at this point. I go through everything in my head. I think that’s why writing is therapeutic for me. Thoughts can just flow directly from my brain, make their way through my fingers, and spill onto the keyboard. Spill? More like vomit. Word vomit. A friend just blogged about how she writes freely. Could never do that. I think too much. Who knows if this ranting post will live longer than the 30 minutes it’s taken to write.

Back to that quote. Since I’m in such a self-provoked rut, days have been bleak. Rarely lately have I fallen asleep thinking, “Today was a good day.”

I miss my little sister. She replied to my tweet minutes after I shared it. She calls me on my bullshit. Usually if someone does that it will throw me into a tizzy. Mostly because others will do it for the wrong intentions. But with her, for some reason, I can laugh it off and roll with it. Accept that it’s true. Damn it. In my feels right now. Yup, this post definitely will not be shared. Sorry devoted, non-existent readers.

Let me just cut to the point. I need to help myself. Look for the good in each day. Take yesterday, for instance. Watching “The Santa Claus” and “The Santa Claus 2” while drinking peppermint hot chocolate after an evening of wrapping presents, painted such a quintessential Christmas picture. It made me feel so damn fuzzy inside. Happy. I need to feel happy. If I start with myself, it will radiate to other aspects of my life. Sidenote: Personal philosophy about relationships. You can’t be happy with someone else unless you’re happy with yourself first.

Other things I need to do:

  • Finish my damn portfolio. Here, take a look at it yourself: michellebersabal.wix.com/portfolio. Don’t mind the random explanations that make absolutely no sense.
  • Go to confession. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so down. I need Jesus. No, that was not a mocking statement. I need to pray more. I need to trust in God again.
  • Do something Christmas-y. Current definition of myself: Scrooge. Also see: Grinch. Christmas is my ultimate favorite time of year. I love picking out our Christmas tree. I love the feeling of cheer in the air. I love celebrating the birth of our Lord. But something’s different this year.

So basically, I need an out of body experience like in “A Christmas Carol” or “It’s a Wonderful Life” (Favorite Christmas movie ever). Clarence? CLARENCE?!

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4 thoughts on “/end rant

  1. Paula M. says:

    Honesty hour.

    Michelle, after getting to know you, I can say with confidence you are one of the most artistically talented, well-read people I know. I know that our harshest critics are ourselves, but there’s a difference between selling yourself short and having little confidence in your work. If it’s your work you are thinking negatively of, I will be deeply saddened knowing the great potential and success you are denying yourself of. Believe in your self so that you can help yourself. Apply your personal philosophy here: if you cannot be happy with your work, how can someone else have the OPPORTUNITY to be happy with it. OPPORTUNITY. Don’t deny yourself and your art the OPPORTUNITY.

    Telling you, girl – freelance.

    I can even help you with your portfolio, if you want to focus on what you’re putting in it (like content). I’ll put that stuff in FOR YOU.

    I feel like I’ve been in and out of a similar “rut” in the past few months. Venting on here, crying to the boyfriend, talks with like-minded (more like like-situated/in the same boat) people has helped tremendously… at least for me. Since Disney, I’ve been to mass a total of 1 time in November. We made more valiant efforts to make mass these last two weeks and it’s helped with the heavy-heart-feeling. – AND buying ONE Christmas gift and wrapping certainly put me in a more positive mood.

    You have a good list going. Ruts are all about attitude. You got it.

  2. Megan M. says:

    I am in the same boat with you. Ask Miguel. There have been many nights on the phone of me crying my eyes out because nothing seems to be working out. Like we’re stuck and we just need something to happen and pull us out. For me finding a job would mean my way out. I can honestly say I get depressed when I’m home for too long. I’m actually tearing up writing this. LOL. I’ve only kept a few friends here in St. Mary’s and they’re all moving on now. I find that when I’m at home for too long i get into arguments with my parents and feel like a burden because I can’t find a job in the field I want to be in. I’m just…here. And about confession and needing God, I’ve definitely strayed away. I don’t go to church often anymore and a part of me has lost faith or that I’m being punished for something. Honestly, I think its also because Miguel is not at all religious and it’s kind of rubbed off on me. I think my temper has gotten worse. I talk back a lot now when usually I would keep quiet. I get defensive easily. I find that when I’m home I’m not happy most of the time. Getting rejected after interviews doesn’t help my self-esteem either. So I definitely understand the negativity you’re feeling. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. Maybe we just have to be really patient and something amazing will happen.

    P.S.
    I MISS YOU TONS!!

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