The other day I tweeted a saying from one of my favorite YouTubers. I’m positive she didn’t come up with it, but it’s sort of become her mantra and therefore I associate the saying with her.
Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.
Not to be a Debby Downer or anything, but things have been looking grim lately. I’m falling, no, digging myself deeper and deeper into this slump. Depression comes to mind for my current state, but it’s not as if I’m experiencing some extreme emotional sadness. I’m not depressed. Calm down. I just don’t feel myself. The creativity has been drained out of me. I used to constantly clean up my room. It would bother me if I left things out of place for more than a day. I currently have a pile of crap on my couch that’s been there so long it’s practically moved in. I haven’t dusted my dresser in weeks. I used to do this weekly (Call me OCD. Wouldn’t be the first time). But it stems further than that. Where am I going with this? Oh yeah, the quote.
I am negative. Living negatively. Thinking negatively. Being negative. I can feel myself blow up with anger over the smallest things. Sidenote: I used to have an extremely bad temper. I’ve since reformed my ways. And it doesn’t help that when I get overwhelmed I shut down. Literally. My cooping mechanism is to retreat and think to myself. My constant internal monologue races through a million thoughts a second at this point. I go through everything in my head. I think that’s why writing is therapeutic for me. Thoughts can just flow directly from my brain, make their way through my fingers, and spill onto the keyboard. Spill? More like vomit. Word vomit. A friend just blogged about how she writes freely. Could never do that. I think too much. Who knows if this ranting post will live longer than the 30 minutes it’s taken to write.
Back to that quote. Since I’m in such a self-provoked rut, days have been bleak. Rarely lately have I fallen asleep thinking, “Today was a good day.”
I miss my little sister. She replied to my tweet minutes after I shared it. She calls me on my bullshit. Usually if someone does that it will throw me into a tizzy. Mostly because others will do it for the wrong intentions. But with her, for some reason, I can laugh it off and roll with it. Accept that it’s true. Damn it. In my feels right now. Yup, this post definitely will not be shared. Sorry devoted, non-existent readers.
Let me just cut to the point. I need to help myself. Look for the good in each day. Take yesterday, for instance. Watching “The Santa Claus” and “The Santa Claus 2” while drinking peppermint hot chocolate after an evening of wrapping presents, painted such a quintessential Christmas picture. It made me feel so damn fuzzy inside. Happy. I need to feel happy. If I start with myself, it will radiate to other aspects of my life. Sidenote: Personal philosophy about relationships. You can’t be happy with someone else unless you’re happy with yourself first.
Other things I need to do:
- Finish my damn portfolio. Here, take a look at it yourself: michellebersabal.wix.com/portfolio. Don’t mind the random explanations that make absolutely no sense.
- Go to confession. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so down. I need Jesus. No, that was not a mocking statement. I need to pray more. I need to trust in God again.
- Do something Christmas-y. Current definition of myself: Scrooge. Also see: Grinch. Christmas is my ultimate favorite time of year. I love picking out our Christmas tree. I love the feeling of cheer in the air. I love celebrating the birth of our Lord. But something’s different this year.
So basically, I need an out of body experience like in “A Christmas Carol” or “It’s a Wonderful Life” (Favorite Christmas movie ever). Clarence? CLARENCE?!