How to Draft the Perfect Fantasy Football Team

With the start of football season this week I thought I’d share some wisdom on drafting the perfect fantasy team. With two years of experience under my belt I feel more than qualified to share my obvious expertise. Take notes, boys.

Step 1: Choose name that exemplifies your superiority over your opponents. My weapon of choice? “Mmmbers Members.” I think it speaks for itself. Also, create a team icon that is strong and masculine. This will intimidate everyone. My team’s mascot?


Step 2: Do no research. Do no mock draft. You don’t need no practice.

— Tip: When in doubt ask your significant other. —

Step 3: Before the draft begins (assuming you’re all physically in the same place) listen for names that reoccur in conversation between your opponents. These are apparently the players you ask the based god for. For example, fifteen minutes before my draft I learned Calvin Johnson was the knees of the bees. Had I heard his name before that moment? You bet I hadn’t. Did I groan with the rest of the group when he was the first pick of the draft? You bet I did.

Step 4: Patiently wait for your turn. Freak the heck out when it’s actually your turn. Slap yourself. Breathe. Look at the players ranked highest. Make your pick from there.

Qualifications for choosing a player:

  1. Must be attractive.
  2. Must play football.

— Tip: If your opponents grumble and grieve over your pick you know you chose a good one. —

Step 5: Continue filing up your roster following the qualifications. Keep in mind bye weeks. You don’t want to be the fool that has to scramble for half a team week 11.

By the end, if you’re smart, you’ll be left with a team that’s half as good [looking] as mine (minus Marshawn Lynch, but he’s a beast so it’s okay).


Good luck!


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